Come ON now

So Ezra's teacher at preschool called at 3:13pm to tell me that he'd just thrown up allllll over the books in the classroom. And then again in the bathroom.

T was home since I'm working late, so he went to pick up the kids and oh my goodness if illness befalls our home with yet another small person then this might happen.

via
Also, you should know that
Lara sent this to me
and I lost my fool mind
watching it over and over
again. And I said I was so
happy that I wanted to
tongue-kiss her.
So yeah.

Shut'er down

(Am about to talk about Personal Lady Anatomy Stuff if you'd rather not read on.)

So for little over a year the uterus has been jenky town. I had surgery scheduled last February to, quite literally, poke around and explore why, but then RSV and pneumonia felled Iris like a mighty oak and I had to cancel the surgery. My ob/gyn, Dr. A., and her surgery scheduler were wonderfully understanding and told me to call them directly when I wanted to reschedule and they'd get me right in. Uterus-type things miraculously righted themselves and, well hey, I'm not one to rock the boat so I left well-enough alone. Then this August the non-stop bleeding started up again and I went back to my ob/gyn to talk again. 

Our conversations in exploring what to do with my Nonsense have always been a bit convoluted in that there is: 1) figuring out why with the bleeding 2) what, if anything can be done 3) exploring what my non-hormonal, permanent options are for making sure I no longer become pregnant. The last part needing a referral to a different office as Dr. A is part of a Catholic health care system that limits her ability to do certain procedures.

At the end of December I had an in-office procedure plus a biopsy. It was pretty horrible and I, honest to goodness, don't think I've experienced such pain since having kidney stones. Lord alive, kidney stones are my new benchmark for unbearable pain. Seriously. Don't get them.

The biopsy results loomed because both sides of my family, the women in particular, are riddled with cancers that don't dick around. I went End of Days in my head but this isn't the post where I tell you I'm dying as the biopsy results came back okay. Surgery was scheduled to remove two large-ish polyps discovered and to thin the uterine lining that, despite my incessant bleeding, is rather thick. Blech. 

Then in mid-January I went to my referral appointment to talk about what my options are in terms of permanent birth control. I forgot to shave my legs and was all in a froth that it would be a pants-off-appointment but it turned out being just a chat. The best kind! 

I was really happy with the conversation and problem solving the physician and I had. I am someone who likes to talk things out (just ask T) and so we talked about my health stuff both past and current, the upcoming surgery with Dr. A and what he recommends to many of his own patients. We decided that a tubal ligation is probably the way to go. The best part being is that he can do it while I'm knocked out for the polyp removal and bing-bang-boom all will be taken care with one surgery, two doctors, and I'll be good.

This path to a resolution with all of this whatnot feels...tidy. And convenient. And I'm really at peace with it. Pretty much nothing about my reproductive health has been easy thus far and so, for the love of pete, FINALLY something is coming together. 

The fact of the matter is that I'm 37 and T is going to be 45 in a few weeks. We are not spring chickens. The last pregnancy kiiiiind of went down in a ball of flames and along with my advanced age, getting pregnant again would be complicated. And so much of the past three years of our lives have been complicated. I want easy. Or, crap, even easIER. I don't want to cry. I don't want nine months of ridiculous, high anxiety. I want to enjoy and relish the children I have and to really take comfort in knowing that I don't think anyone is missing from our family. Because I don't. If I did, if I felt in my heart that more children were what our futures held for us, I don't think fears would hold me back. I'm too tenacious.

But our family here on Earth is me and T and Ezra and Iris, and I'm really ready to fully relish that and see where the four of us go together.

A doozy

Well! Last week was super duper speshul.

Iris had diarrhea all week. Ezra had kindergarten open house and sign-up. T and I had juggled work schedules. There were hangy tidbits of life details that are hard to finalize when I'm trying to keep my daughter in a non-defiled Pamper and chockfull of rice and bananas. And it ended with crushing disappointment. Good times!

via

Yeah. 

At any rate, today I haven't had dreams crushed or poop on my hand so improvement!

Tonight I'm going to a volunteer training for a local organization that I've been moderately involved with for a few years. I wrote about it back when I first started, but their mission is to help new mothers/families once everyone is home from the hospital. If they're struggling (can I get an "Amen!") or need someone to talk to or just need an extra set of arms, this group has volunteers go into the home for 4-8 weeks and--within certain boundaries--help the moms out. Hold a baby while the mom rests. Play with the siblings to give the mom a break. Wash dishes. Do laundry. Just help out.

When I first started with the organization, I overestimated the time I thought I would have available to dedicate to a family. Back then Iris was still in 3-4 therapy appointments a week and more frequent doctor visits that I was finagling my work schedule around and so yeah...I just couldn't make a commitment to do home visits for family. So I've been doing behind the scenes work with the non-profit and that has felt like the best fit.

But a few weeks ago they announced a new sub-set of the larger group and this time volunteers were needed to help out families who experienced a loss like miscarriage or stillbirth or NICU death. The email explained that the commitment probably wouldn't involve home visits (because...yeah), but that volunteers would make themselves available to chat on the phone or via email or any other way the mom/family needed to just try and process what they're feeling, thinking and experiencing.

So I tell you all this because I often contemplate why T and went through what we did. Why did we struggle to conceive with zero answers as to why? Why did we lose our son? Why did Iris have so many congenital issues not related to her prematurity? Why, why, why?

I don't think I'll ever get an answer from God. But when I see the opportunity to listen to someone hurting or to let another mom know that I know what the NICU feels like, I kind of feel like I'm being given a glimpse maybe not into why this happened to me/us, but what I'm supposed to do with it. And sometimes that just feels like enough.

Boo-hoo baby

I am dealing with a rather large amount of disappointment today and I'm not sure if I need to simply wallow for a hot minute and drink the bottle of wine I bought  (along with two donuts) or to simply take a shower and remind myself OH IT'S BEEN WORSE, MY FRIEND.

Disappointment has always been for me the emotion I've struggled with the most--since I was young even. My anger dissipates. Jealousy is contained and feels relatively futile. Sadness ebbs away after some kind words and a good sleep. But disappointment loiters and makes it hard for me to be reassured that things will be better. To know that the plan is larger than what failed to reveal itself today.

But I am, if nothing else, a good list maker and so I'm going to make a list of all that is nice in my life. And hopefully remember that the void I feel because of this disappointment isn't who I am, it's just what happened today, and soon today will be the past.

Let's talk about "Sharp Objects"

Despite being a librarian, I'm not usually a book talker/breaker-downer in this particular place because--confession time!--I usually don't enjoy those types of posts. Reading books is marvelous. Talking about books is even better. But writing/reading about them is meh.

At any rate, I waaaaant to talk about this book because it was chock-full of the Creepy and not until I found the blurb on the back from STEPHEN KING did I understand why I was quite so revved up. (Hint: I was supposed to be revved up. It was written to be revving.).

The theme of teeth. Oh my lands. As someone he loathes going to the dentist, thinking about the role teeth played in this book heebs me out to no end.

Side note: Have any of you watched the movie "Teeth"? It plays on IFC a lot and it's NUTS. Very campy, kind of creepy, pretty engrossing. 

Women have a pretty singular role/position in this book and how they were written along with their nuances of dysfunction--both as teens and adults--was completely engrossing. People are complicated and being about to write and describe this complication with skill, I think, is something that probably seems easier than it actually is. (Kind of like being self-aware.)

My favorite quotes:

“Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. I have known so many sick women all my life. Women with chronic pain, with ever-gestating diseases. Women with conditions. Men, sure, they have bone snaps, they have backaches, they have a surgery or two, yank out a tonsil, insert a shiny plastic hip. Women get consumed.” 

“I just think some women aren't made to be mothers. And some women aren't made to be daughters.” 

via

So tell me what you thought...What stood out? Did you like any of the characters? What did you think of the ending?

New digs and swimming

So!

If you're reading this in an RSS feed, might I suggest you click through and see some new changes?

Awww yeah.

Many thanks to Maddie at Thriftary. She gave me fun colors and organization (An "About" page! A "Blog Roll" page! Other nice stuff!) and a lovely K at the end of each post and tweaks until it was exactly what I wanted.

Thank you, Maddie!

****

In more day-to-day news, I went and watched Ezra's swimming class today at preschool.

It was pretty awesome if not hot as hell in the pool area. Holy snakes, I got sweaty. 

How is your Thursday going?

Under Construction

Hi TAOBB fans!!!! The site is currently undergoing some REALLY exciting changes. K is getting a new design!! Come back on Tuesday morning to see the brand new look. And be pumped. Be very, very pumped.

Cheers,

Maddie @ Thriftary Designs

Blergh

That feeling when you have something coming up that is very important and kind of short-term all consuming and you really just want it over with but only if in the end it's going to go the way you want it to go?

I have that.

But how about this as a distraction (courtesy of the lovely Meanliving whom I adore and once sent me an anonymous summer sausage from Amazon) (it was awesome).

Random useless tidbits

I really can't support peplum. 

As someone who is very pear-shaped with a bit of built-in peplum already--sporting an additional ruffle is most definitely just asking for trouble.

****

T and I have started looking at resorts for our 10th anniversary getaway and, holy crap on a cracker, am I getting excited about being away with him for one week. And just sitting. And reading. And, most importantly of all, eating lots.

****

There are a few students I've seen recently who are very tan--almost kind of orangey. It's perplexing.

****

I made this recipe last week (found via Pinterest) and it rocked steady all night long. The shells were kind of a pain in the can to stuff (damn things were slippery), but the taste was awesome and we all loved it. 

I'm going to make this recipe (also discovered on Pinterest) tomorrow. I usually hate to burn through a crockpot recipe on the weekend when I actually have time to cook, but let's face it--I hate cooking and I'm tired even on Saturdays, so crockpot it is.

Both have cheesy blankets as a main factor and I fully support that.

****

The word "boho" makes me want scream. 

****

This morning I asked Iris to put a book away before we left the house and she stomped her foot and shouted "NO."

T and I both looked like this:

via

But I have found that if I ask her again and stare her little smiling face down, she folds like a house of cards.

But still.

Zoikes.

****

I've been reading "Sharp Objects" and it's kind of intense. If you've read it, let me know. I would like to discuss it with you.

(That sounded like spam.)

****

When something is pitched as 10% off (coughBODENcough), I roll my eyes. That is no kind of sale and they should know they're being laughed at. At least by me.

****

If you happen to own a pair of Spanx, might I recommend--and speak from personal experience--that you not dry them in the dryer?

Things become a bit...intense the next time you try to put them on.

****

What are you random tidbits?

Caffeine assistance, please

So I'm thinking that our home might benefit from a Keurig machine but I'm really kind of overwhelmed by ALL of the the details. 

Which model works the best?
Which K-cups are the tastiest?
Can I make an iced coffee?
Can T still make his tea?
Is it worth it?
Is it ginormous on the counter?
Is there a lot of wrangling that goes into using it? 
How do you store your K-cups?
Can I get a red one?

You know, the important stuff.

Please help.

Motherhood = Sisyphus

So January is turning into a bit of a...doozy. Every day has some pertinent task that needs to be accomplished and every week holds other miscellaneous whatnot. 

• A doctor's appointment for me
• T traveling more due to the upcoming North American Auto Show
• My work schedule carrying over into two weekends due to teaching
• Ezra starting his sport sampler class on Saturdays
• Paperwork that needs to be submitted in order to continue Iris' special insurance (something that covers her intensive feeding follow-ups which my private insurance--while super awesome stellar in pretty much every way--denies covering because they, AND I QUOTE, "have seen insignificant clinical and scientific data proving that feeding programs, and their protocol, provide substantial benefit") (douchebags) 
• Yet another doctor's appointment for me
• Getting Iris her January Synagis shot
• A heavy teaching load for me that has me adjusting my daytime work schedule to be at work in the evening
• Kindergarten open house and enrollment night for Ezra
• An important meeting that has me very mentally preoccupied 
• I'm having surgery in February, so figuring out the logistics of that
• Figuring out the details of our anniversary trip in June
• A brother's birthday
• A friend's birthday

It just sort of feels like a lot. Not really overwhelming, but maybe a tidgy bit. Well, I don't yet need a paperbag to breathe into so I suppose that's good. But I think that all of this is why this morning I started to feel like so much of what I try to do in a day is futile. My exact thought being, "I AM LIVING KNEE-DEEP IN FUTILITY!"

I shouldn't bother getting motivated to empty that dishwasher on time because the damn thing just gets filled up two days later. So what if I managed to get my clothes picked out and ironed for work the day? Come Wednesday I might end up running late and looking like a hot mess again. Oh! Good for me! The laundry is done! Ooop. Nevermind. Ezra just wiped his greasy paws on his shirt. Clean sheets on the bed! Someone just peed out of her diaper. Phew! Made it through this week. Just in time to manage through the remaining three of the month.

January doesn't seem to have the frenzied nature of the holiday season. That is just so frenetic and chock full of hemorraging money (kind of glad that theme is over with because, damn). And in a lovely turn of events, I'm not really wishing the month away. For I don't want to be over with, I mostly just don't want to be leveled flat by it or to forgot something vital.

So yeah. January will be busy, but I am armed with my fatty paper calendar (shout out to Hillary) and notes galore and folders full of correspondence and to-do lists.

It'll be fiiiiiiine.

Maybe I just need to don a
Wonder Woman costume.

Saturday

I haven't done a "day in our life" as documented by photos in some time, but Keli recently posted her day and I loved seeing what it all looked looked like.

And, hey, if I can't use this blog to copy others AND talk about myself, well, why even have it at all?

9:00am--Getting dressed after breakfast.

9:30am--The next one to get dressed; reading
"Miss Spider's New Car."

9:45am--Watching tv with a sword and Miss
Spider while I fold laundry.

10:00am--Reading Miss Spider while I get a
coffee at Starbucks.

10:30am--Getting new tennis shoes at Kohls.

11:15am--Post haircut and enjoying a sucker.

11:30am--Enjoying a quickie lunch at Red Robin.

3:00pm--I got a cut and color while the Iris
napped and Ezra lounged with T.

3:30pm--Opened a package from Miranda
that held Hello Kitty Vans!

4:00pm--Playing.

4:30pm--More playing while I lay down.

5:00pm--Arts and crafts while I unload the
dishwasher and make dinner.

6:30pm--Ezra started doing magic tricks.
These tricks involved me and Iris covering our
eyes while T, whom Ezra called his "lovely
assistant," was made to "disappear." Into
the playroom.

6:45pm--Ezra asked for volunteers from the
crowd. Iris volunteered and then also
"disappeared." Hint: she's under the blanket.

Ways in which I like to kick it old school

1. I write paper checks. Occasionally. Okay, I like to do it, but I promise I never do it IN a store.
2. We have a landline at home.
3. I do a lot of ironing.
4. Lasers freak me out and, as a result, I will probably wear contacts and glasses forever.
5. We pay a lot for cable and stream nothing to our tv at home through fancy boxes and/or magic.
6. I have saved all bills, medical slips, and other annual paperwork whatnot back to 2006. They're in nice organized (by year!) boxes on shelves that take up zero space in our office.
7. I don't participate in Facebook.
8. Sometimes I use the word "blouse."
9. And "pocketbook."
10. If I don't get a reminder call about an appointment, I panic and wonder if I have my dates mixed up. I need that reminder call.
11. I have zero idea how to use a scanner.

Well, it made me laugh anyway.