I have been feeling lowly lately.
Kinda sad, out of sorts, not motivated at work even though I need to be crackin' can, sad panda with T and our relationship, being disappointed in Mother's Day, wishing I had more time with the kids and at home and in the garden, sometimes wanting to cry.
I think the hardest toll is on The Marriage. I think sometimes T and I are still trying to sort out who we are and what our relationship is after the Sneak Attack Birth of 2009 and the year that followed. I think, at least for me, the emotional stress of it rears its ugly head from time to time leaving me floundering and sorting through emotional rubble which then carries over to how I act as a partner-person.
Then there is having two kids under the age of three. I miss what our relationship was pre-kids and I in no way expect it to be the same, but I sometimes struggle with how to realize the changes and roll them into our now-life. Less time and less energy for one another slowly adds up day after day after day and this makes me wistful and sad.
T suggested that maybe I revisit the lovely therapist who helped me after Noah died. While I'm all for that as a helping hand, I'm not sure that that's the answer as there doesn't feel like there is anything in the front of my brain that I Need To Unload. It feels like something else. It feels kind of chemical, if that makes sense--like I can't quite shake or discuss myself into being happy.
My family has a solid history of needing the anti-depressants, whether they take them or not is another thing. So maybe I've finally reached the need for this? That's cool if that's the case--but how long do I wait until I pursue this as a fix? Anti-depressant takers, feel free weigh in.
In the meantime, T and I have broken it down old school on what we need to do for us, and since I am a lover of task-driven accomplishments--this sense of purpose will most definitely help.
Too bad Swedish Fish aren't made of jellied Zoloft and Red Dye No. 3. If that were the case, I'd be happy as a clam.
12 comments:
It's a tough call. For me I just feel better every day and that's winning. Also prozac is super cheap - $8 without insurance per month. So that's like a glass of wine at dinner but with way more pow. I don't sleep as well and I don't know if that happens to other people. I'm not sure if I'll stay on it forever but it's been helping me through a patch. I'm even "breaking up" with my psychologist tomorrow - I think I'm ready to go it alone. It takes 1-2 months for the stuff to get working in your system so if you're going to give it a go you may as well start sooner than later. You can always quit but just remember to quit with a plan not all at once.
I feel you. And it's so hard to stay connected as a couple when you're dealing with the sadness IN ADDITION to all the draining parent-and-spouse stuff.
I had a moment of severe jealousy on Friday night when we were out with a bunch of child-free younger couples. I remembered what it was like to center my life around my relationship, and it's an indulgence that goes away after kids. But I wouldn't trade the kid part for the world, so...you know. It's just tough. And gives me pause to add another kid to the mix.
Give yourself credit for wanting to fix it, though. I hope it gets sorted out for you soon.
Honestly, our marriage took a BIG HIT when we had a baby, and I remember feeling so sad and blah about everything. It took us about a year to feel like we were somewhat connected again. You guys have been through SO MUCH, I'm continually wondering how couples deal with the things you've been through!
I've never personally taken meds (although it runs in the family) but I have a few friends who've taken antidepressants just to get over that "hump" and swear that it helps them feel like they can cope instead of wanting to pull the covers over their heads each morning. Perhaps the hormones are still wacky and you need a little boost?
Maybe tell your doc how you're feeling and get some advice?
Major props for admitting how you feel...this parenting/marriage stuff is not all unicorns and rainbows like some people make it seem. I'm sure there are many many other mom's out there who've walked in your shoes and know what you're going through! HUGS
I just think you are so pretty and lovely and special. You do whatever it is you have to do to feel better...about you, about your relationship(s), about life.
You're one rockin' chick and I'm lucky to be your friend.
K-I've been on antidepressants for years with depression running rampant on both sides of my family. Over the years, I've learned how to know when to increase and decrease the dose (espec during gloomy grey winter season). My suggestion would be to start with the therapist first. Mother's Day surely triggered grief (losing Noah, having Iris's first year full of distress). You also just lost the daily visits from "J" the fabulous nanny,and are transitioning into Iris going to "big girl daycare" now. Additionally, the weather here just finally transitioned from winter to almost summer, so we are all twitchy to change to a more active season, get outdoors, and do yard/home stuff that has been waiting for nice weather but can suddenly be overwhelming. Although the weather changed, we didn't get any extra time or energy to use to enjoy that weather or do extra tasks. Lastly, all marriages have seasons that are close and comfy and in harmony and some that are less like that. Love is what holds us together despite the discomfort and keeps us moving forward. (Last week I concluded that I was "out of tune" with my husband, informed him of that, and told him to bear with me while I figure out which string to tweak to get back into tune...I'm still twangy, but we're working on it). Your monthly PMS sounds like something that perhaps could be addressed with med or lifestyle changes, and that could be processed with a therapist too. Meds help with the physiological aspects of depression, but it truly takes a holistic approach to make us well. Look at all parts of your life physical, emotional, cognitive, social, spiritual. Sometimes we don't notice that we have a stone in our shoe in a certain area unless we take a long walk.
I'm sorry you've been feeling blue. As an anti-depressant-taker myself, it has done WONDERS for me. I'm on Prozac and it was the best decision I ever made for myself, and for my relationship with Kevin (poor guy). It not only helped with my depression, but it also helps me so much with anxiety (I get super anxious when it comes time for social events). There are some people who have their own opinions about medications helping depression, but do what works best for you. Sometimes you just need something (other than therapy or exercise) to help you along. And if it doesn't work, at least you know you gave it a shot. I hope you find something that works for you. I remember being at my lowest of lows and it was HORRIBLE. I really never want to be back there again.
So sorry things are rough right now. If you're comfortable with a counsellor, I say go. He/She can definitely tell you if you need meds.
I think the roughest part of our marriage was after the honeymoon period and until our kids were a bit older. So that's about where you are now. When I look at my marriage today, I am blown away by how happy we are. I'm so glad things aren't like they used to be. Marriage is so important...fix it before it really breaks.
Maybe Iris starting school just really has you bummed. You probably take out your frustrations on T. You guys need a nice dinner out. See if J the FN is available for evenings.
And lastly, take it to God. There's no problem He can't fix.
Been following your blog via ~she~'s blog. Seems to me the advice you got from johnjennifer and ~she~ are spot on. Counselling/therapy, possible meds, prayer, and some private time for you and T away from the kids, even for short bursts, with your kids looked after by someone you love and trust so your mind can be free of worries while you and your husband enjoy being together. My husband and I purposefully make time once a year for a marriage-building trip, even something simple like driving to a state park for a day or two. It has been a marriage-saver and -booster for us. Also, thank you for sharing your vulnerable side with us--many of us moms can identify with your feelings!
3.5 kids, 11 years of marriage, 9 moves in those 11 years.
I have an anxiety disorder. After the birth of my second it turned into depression, with a side order of panic attacks. I have been on paxil, prozac, buspar, lexapro, wellbutrin, with the occasional xanax thrown in. I'm currently on zoloft. Even pregnant.
Because I've tried to go without, and I'm an angry, hopeless, irritable person. I've been on meds in some form or another for ten years. Otherwise? My marriage would have died, and my kids wouldnt like me very much.
For a long time I thought I could come off of them at some point. Now I know its a part of my life, and I've learned to be okay with that.
I can't speak from experience when it comes to losing a kid, but as for having one with an uncertain prognosis as a wee small baybee? And continuing medical needs above and beyond the norm? Girl, that shit almost broke me, for reals. I have not been OFF an antidepressant since the youngest got sick, nor do I have ANY desire to try going off of it any time soon (if ever again). Pristiq has been my BFF for over four years now; also there is this super-fun thing where with age comes PMDD and OMFG THE TRAGIC, HORRID RAGE, and...yeah. I am all for better living through pharmaceuticals, and I too think you are pretty and funny and special and all things wonderful, so I hope you feel better ASAP regardless of what brings that about.
Girl! You have been Through. The. Wringer. this past year and you need to cut yourself some serious slack. M and I were just discussing the other day how much things change once kids hit the scene. It's so fab -- and so so much work. Don't know about the drugs, but I love you loads and want to come hug you. Stat. xoxo
I think you should do whatever it takes to keep you in your happy place.
Between working and kids, it is so easy to put the marriage on the back burner. I have to remind myself on regular basis to take time with the husband instead of crashing upstairs with a book and him downstairs with the tv. But sometimes its easier to be alone after a long day working and wrangling small fries.
All that to say, I understand. Hang in there. Hugs.
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