Yesterday was a hard day on the heart.
While getting Ezra dressed in the morning, he turned to me and said, "I'm not beautiful."
My eyes gaped and my heart felt like when glass shatters in movies and all you hear are the crystals exploding and falling slowly to the ground. While they fell, I thought:
SHUT UP WHO SAID THAT TO YOU! DID SOMEONE SAY TO YOU? I WILL FREAKING KICK THEIR ASS AND TALK TO THE TEACHER. MY SON, YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL. YOUR FACE IS WONDROUS TO ME. OH MY GOODNESS I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO TAKE THIS DOUBT FROM YOU.
But instead I said, "Come with me." and marched him into the bathroom and had him climb up onto the toilet so that he could see himself in the mirror.
"Tell me what you see," I asked him.
"Ezra Daniel."
"I see him too; I see my sweetie. And I also see beautiful brown hair and cute brown cheeks and beautiful brown eyes. You have are the perfect mixture of brown between Papa and I."
"But I want skin like yours!"
"Why?"
"Because."
"Did someone say something to you at school?"
"Nooooo."
"Okay, here's the thing: my skin isn't the same color as anyone else's. Your skin isn't the same color as Iris'. God gave everyone their own color. You are SPECIAL. Oh! And you know what else? Do you know who else has brown skin? The PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES! His papa was from Africa like your Papa and his mom is kinda peachy colored like me. Do you want to see his face?"
"Yes!"
So heavens alive I pulled up Barack Obama on my phone and played a YouTube clip of him speaking and Ezra said, "He's brown like me!" and I gave him kisses and tickled him until he tooted and then we went about our morning and trying to get out of the house on time.
I kind of squished the heart-hurtiness of all that nonsense until I received a hell of a zinger from the Workplace Motormouth (remember her? she's a gem!) later in the afternoon.
In the course of talking--talking used loosely as it is she who mostly talks--about her grandsons, she busts outs with, "...sorry you lost your baby, but two boys close together in age can REALLY be a handful!"
Honestly, in the moment, I barely flinched. Later, after it washed over me and I vented to kind souls on Twitter and ate some french fries for lunch, I cried in my office.
What a completely callous and shitty and heartless thing to say.
Do I think it came from a place of trying to wound and hurt? Not at all. Do I think she should watch what comes out of her mouth? Yes. Will I be avoiding her from now on? Yes. Just like I'd avoid a porcupine on a trail.
I thought I would want to smoosh down the sad things, the hurtful things from yesterday; to not write about them. But sometimes just getting it out feels better. And it does.
30 comments:
Oh K! Oh Ezra! You handled his heart wrenching comment so perfectly well. You are such a fantastic mother. They are lucky to have you as their mama.
As for Vomit Mouth, F her. I know she didn't have bad intentions BUT it doesn't excuse such horrific behavior. It is hard to believe people like that are the same species as us.
Lots of love and hugs and pie to you my friend <3 Thinkng of you!
Granted, I am totally hormonal right now, but oh baby, this post made me weepy. I have tears running down my face for your precious boy, who should never think he is not beautiful, but especially not at such a young age.
My other tears are for you, my friend, for the loss of your other beautiful boy. & the fact that some people seem to have no heart at all.
And it comes to it, I am fully available, day or night, to come and kick some ass on either of your sons behalf.
Oh, K. First, you are a brilliant and lovely, caring mother for how you handled Ezra. That made me weep.
And, you are a brilliant and lovely, caring person for not kicking your coworker's ass. It is justified. I'm willing to drive up there to do it for you.
So many hugs, momma. So, so many.
Oh honey. I'm so sorry. Heart hurty days make me wish I was your next door neighbor. Love you xo
I have a brown son myself, but my husband and I are both peachy colored. This was hard for our family to deal with for a while. While we could empathize, we had never experienced life as a person of color and what it was like to be asked: 'What ARE you?'
It was hard in lower elementary, but it seems to be fine now. I think it may rear it's ugly head again in the teenage years when everyone feels so different. I wonder if he will latch onto this as something that "alienates" him.
I think you guys are in a better situation with more than one brown person in your family. :) But I, too am very grateful for our brown president as a role model to point to and say, "Hey. He's a lot like you."
I LOVE your response to Ezra! That's wonderful, and then to be able to top it all off with a toot-tickle is simply the best. I'm sorry about chatty fat-mouth at the office; it makes me crazy what comes out of peoples' mouths sometimes and there is absolutely no recognition or understanding of any one else's feelings.
I just got a little choked up. You are a wonderful mother and wonderful woman.
I also don't know how you didn't crotch punch that wretched, wretched woman.
I cried over this earlier. I'm sorry yesterday was hard. I'm glad there was pie.
You are an amazing mother. What a way to handle a hard thing from your wee boy.
I responded on Twitter yesterday about blabbermouth coworker, but in person, I was cussing a blue streak. I absolutely LOATHE it when people don't think before they speak. I honestly admire your self-restraint. I probably would have been ugly & unprofessional. Phew. Again, thank goodness for pie.
Some people are such dongtacular morons that I don't even know how they make it so far in life without being punched out. I'm so sorry she said that to you. There is nothing that makes it okay.
I love how you talked to Ezra and made him feel better about himself. It's heartbreaking when they start self-doubting and feeling less than other people.
People have no idea how their off the cuff comments affect those that have lost children. I hear things like this every once in a while and it hurts... deep!
Ezra is beautiful! I'm glad you set him straight! =)
Your excellent response to Ezra reminded me of this photo of Obama: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/24/us/politics/indelible-image-of-a-boys-pat-on-obamas-head-hangs-in-white-house.html.
I'm so glad people like you exist, and also sad that we all have to hear stupid things from others. xo (and sausage)
oh boy. k! K! this totally made me tear up. peppermint hot chocolate hugs. many of them. xoxo
If I am ever up in your neck of the woods I would greatly enjoy meeting this lady and subtly messing with her mind.
Thinking of both you beautiful sons and you will laugh about this when Ezra has a million teenage girls fawning all over him and calling the house every day.
You are every single one of you beautiful.
I went to have lunch with Athena at school and she was sitting by Dorothy. I said HI to her, introduced myself and Zofia, and the FIRST thing out of her mouth was "My mama is black and my dad is white. Isn't that weird??" I had a mega reaction inside but kept it cool. I also brought up our helpful president and also told her my mom is white and my dad is Spanish. People be different girl! It's cool!
Also, Ezra should just hang out with my kids for the hair pets and hugs.
Oh Ezra. He's such a sensitive soul.
Someone definitely said something to/near him at school. No kid doubts themselves until someone makes some shittastic comment that sears into their soul. I personally found myself to be a delightful child until CARL DUNN told me I had a big nose on the bus in kindergarten. I hate him still.
And that woman you work with is a complete bitch and I hope one day the words flow out of your mouth with ease and excellence as you crush her.
You are awesome the way you handled it with Ezra, i shall take notes from you!
Also people have no filters anymore.
What you said to Ezra was amazing and perfect. And what that woman said was insane. I'm sorry.
I can't stop thinking about this. I cannot imagine someone being so insensitive to say that about the loss of Noah; I don't understand how Ezra, at 4, could feel anything less than perfect. He is perfect.
You are such a good mother.
Tears.
I'm a Republican and there are certainly many things President Obama has done I don't agree with but I am so damn proud right now Ezra can say the president looks like him.
I hope he never thinks he's less than perfect again.
You are a fantastic Mama. Ezra and Iris are both so lucky to have you.
And your co-worker is lucky she didn't get a kick in her teeth.
Oh, SO MANY feelings. Isn't it awful how, in the moment that people say such things, you're just frozen, then you spend SO much time thinking of The Perfect Retort? Sometimes a withering glare isn't quite enough, is it?
I just don't understand people. Who would SAY that to you?
As to Ezra, I just love how you handled that--grace under pressure!
OMG girl, EFF her. Seriously. Whether she meant to hurt your feelings or not, you do NOT just go around saying crap like that to people. In the wake of my miscarriage, people said some real humdingers too. People can be so insensitive. This one mom at preschool, whose personality really grates on me anyway, said something crass before realizing what had happened to me. My SIL told her later, and she apologized but then summed it up with, "Well, it's natural, it's nature's way of saying you didn't need that baby. So, you know..." And I too didn't think much of it in the moment, but that comment echoes and echoes in my mind now. I mean, how hard is it to think before you speak to someone who has had a loss?!
I've read the first part of this post so many times now, and each and every time I am so awed by how you handled Ezra's comments. Seriously, K, you are a FANTASTIC mother.
I can't read the second part of this again or I will hop on a plane and kick your coworker in the teeth. She was beyond insensitive and out of line and I'm so sorry you were on the receiving end of her terrible judgement. Hugs, lady. xo
1. You handled that BEAUTIFULLY. I am impressed.
2. WHAT AN ASSHAT. Seriously, she said that? Like, does she have some cognitive impairment? Social deformity that makes her unaware that you don't SAY things like that to people?
You let Ezra know that cousin Whitney wants his beautiful skin!! I will trade my pasty buns for his coco cheeks any day. I often envy Lyle for his constant winter tan ha. Love you
I still keep coming back to this and I haven't commented on it (but I HAVE sent it to others, including my boyfriend AND THAT IS A WHOLE OTHER EMAIL), but it is never too late to tell someone: I LOVE this, I LOVE your writing, YOU are FANTASTIC and, well, THANKS.
oh my heavens his little heart! you're a good mama :-)
The way you handled that situation with your BEAUTIFUL son was inspiring and perfect.
Dude.
My desire to Get Real with your workplace motormouth is matched only by my admiration of how you handled that conversation with Ezra. I hope he remembers it forever.
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